Two years later…

*the* jeans!

and I can finally just fit into those size 18 jeans. It’s been a crazy couple of years, and during the time I maintained my 20 lb loss. Then back in January of this year I kicked it back into gear, and have just turned the 20 lb loss into a 30 lb loss. It’s been discouraging that it’s taken about five months to lose 10 lbs, but I’ve been focusing on working out, and now I need to focus on good food. I got into the bad habit of rewarding my workouts with fast food, and I’m quite sure that didn’t help.

The other eating issue I’m starting to work on again is not eating at night. In order to lose I need to not eat a few hours before I go to bed.

I think it’s time to just throw out the numbers now:

Start: 263

Today: 232.4

232 – a number I haven’t seen in so many years. About 8 lbs up from where I was when I was in Weight Watchers back in 2009, but close to a new decade. I can’t wait to get out of the 230s. It’s been too long.

And now I have a pair of size 17 jeans, and a size 16 JCrew dress I can almost totally zip up. I need to have these clothing goals to push for, and to visually see the change.

Thinspiration: exercise

This is a really interesting article from the NYT about exercise, and while it isn’t exactly the most encouraging thing to read for someone looking to lose quite a chunk of weight, it includes some new studies and information I hadn’t heard before, and will file away for the future, when I’ll be working on maintenance; namely that exercise is crucial for not regaining weight.  As I read, I couldn’t help but remember my past attempts at weight loss, and how the pounds really packed back on after I stopped exercising.  Looks like I’m going to have to find a way to make it part of my daily schedule….forever.  And find a way to make that not seem like such a rough sentence .

Weekly Weigh In

Thanks to (another!) Mary’s workout pledge, I worked out every day last week except for the Tuesday mentioned below, and lost 3 lbs this week!

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to add a bit of running into my walks, and it’s been killing my shins.  I think I’m not stretching well enough, and maybe hour long walks many days a week is causing stress on my bones?  So I’m going to switch to the elliptical.  It has been the machine of choice for my past weight loss attempts, and I’m going to go back to it this week.  Goodbye reading and watching tv while I walk…hello pounding music to give my body the rythm it needs to keep a good pace on the elliptical.  I’ve been hesitant to give up the tv and reading which make the hour on the treadmill go so quickly, but it’s time to ramp up the exercise, and give my legs a break.

I had an exciting breakthrough this week, though – I have a pair of sized 18 jeans that I was unable to wear this fall/winter because I “outgrew” them.  It was horrifying to me when I had tried them on for the first time when the weather cooled – moving into the plus sized clothing was a barrier I didn’t want to break.  And yet, I had eaten myself there.  I halfheartedly tried to find some jeans I liked at a Lane Bryant store, but wasn’t impressed with them, so I decided I wouldn’t allow myself to buy any bigger jeans – I’d just have to do without them until I lost weight and could fit into my old ones.  I thought that would be the encouragement I’d need to start losing weight, but instead I just got some thick tights to wear with my skirts.  But now that I finally am losing weight, and nearing 20 lbs now….I thought I’d try those jeans on again.  I got them on over my thighs!  The button came together (just barely)!, and they technically fit, but it was muffin topalooza.  It was just great to have tangible evidence that I am making some headway, a boost of encouragement, because it’s been a bit difficult not to feel overwhelmed with all I have to lose.  I’m doing okay on that front – I concentrate on the small goals and not the large chunk, but I started this at 30 lbs more than I was the last time I weighed myself, all gained in about a year and a half.  (shit!)  So while I feel great that I’ve lost 19 lbs, I’m still not where I left off last time.

I’m still reeling that I let myself get to this point.  But I’m going to right all this, one step at a time, and get to a healthy weight.

eek!

I weighed myself Monday morning, and I was down to 247.4 from 253.2.  Despite the fact that I’d walked nearly every day for about an hour, it seemed an unbelievable loss for one week, and I’m sabotaging myself.  For instance, my roommate brought home some leftover goodies from a catered event at her work, and I had some for dinner (made pretty good choices and ate a reasonable amount), thinking that I’d had such a great loss that it wouldn’t hurt too much, that I could afford to calorie splurge a bit.  (A bit of dangerous rationalization!) But the real trouble came after I made my (healthful) lunch, when I was putting it away in the fridge, then saw those styrofoam containers…and went a little crazy, eating several bites of chicken alfredo before I stopped myself.  It was one of those instances where I was overcome with a need to STUFF myself with food as fast as possible, and had nothing to do with hunger.  I know that night eating is one of the ways I gain, so I had decided to really work on that.  But in that moment I lost all control and just binged.  A small binge, sure, but so many needless calories!  Then to top it off, I was pretty busy today, so I let myself not work out…

It’s time to jump back on the bandwagon.

It’s so twisted to work to lose weight, want it so badly, but on some deeper level, still be afraid, so much so that I sabotage myself when I should be excited after a good loss.  I had reached 5%!  I thought I was working on this mindless eating.  I just have to remember it’s only a minor set back.  Writing this post is cathartic – I’m going to remind myself all the reasons I want this…read some thinspiration, and get back into the right mindset tomorrow.

Wish me luck!  Good luck to you too!

Phew!

I managed to remember the oatmeal bowl this morning!  And I was mildly hungry, so I ate about 3/4 of it.  I’ve come to really love the texture of cooked oats – it used to make me cringe, and now I find myself relishing the chew of it. 

I get so excited when there is a food I used to dislike, (pretty much always a healthy one), and I come to like it, whether that happens naturally or by force.  ie black beans.  The texture of beans used to make me cringe too, its strange, almost mushiness inside a stiff skin – that I just couldn’t palate.  In fact, one day, after my friend and I walked the AIDS walk our sophomore year of college in Chicago, we stopped at Chipotle, and I thought I’d try black beans on my burrito.  I couldn’t eat it.  I opened the tortilla, scraped the offending beans out, and considered it one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  About two years later, one day I decided to try them again, and asked for a few on the side at Chipotle, and trying them one at a time, and I came to sort of like them.  And now, 3 or so years after that…I love them.  I bring black beans and rice to work often for lunch, and add them anywhere they might be remotely appropriate. 

All of this to say, I’m trying to cut down on eating meat (both for health and conscientious reasons after watching food, inc.).  My goal is to have one meatless day a week (by which i mean 3 meatless meals, not including breakfasts, because those are almost always meatless for me), so I’ve been exploring other sources of protein.  I keep bandying about the idea of making hamburgers from beans and lentils, and I even found a meatloaf recipe that features lentils instead of beef.  I’ve just been too chicken to actually do it.  HOWEVER, I’ve been playing around with both brown and red lentil soups, and I’m in love.  They are high protein, high fiber, and low glycemic index…and just fabulous.  I’m just now finishing up a red lentil with cumin soup I made for the aforementioned dinner party the other day, and even my not-very-adventurous-in-eating father loved it.  On to more legume adventures!

Lesson Learned…ish

I forgot my oatmeal bowl again.  I’m not sure why I can’t remember to grab the bowl that’s sitting on the passenger seat, but I haven’t been able to this week.  The problem is that mornings aren’t my time, so it’s difficult for me to remember little details like that.  I’m going to have to find another system!  But that was just supposed to be background – I forgot my oatmeal again, and found myself breakfastless.  Then in comes a coworker with a cookie.  I said no thanks, remembering the mistake I made earlier this week with the candy, but she insisted, so I put it on my desk.  I didn’t eat it, and wasn’t having much difficulty not eating it, and had some green tea instead.  Then I thought…maybe I should just have the cookie, so I bit into it, and (luckily) it wasn’t very good so I threw it out.  The thoughtless eater (I’m trying not to be anymore) would have finished it and then thought – “that wasn’t good!”, but today’s me was able to make that decision after one bite, and decide it wasn’t worth it.  It’s a small step, surely, but at least in the right direction!

In hindsight, I have 2 more lessons to learn:

a) learn to say no to people offering food (which is a little difficult for me because I feel rude doing it)

b) put any tempting treats out of sight in attempt to put them also out of mind.  if they bypass lesson A first, that is!

Ideal Weight

I started seriously trying to lose weight (again) about 5 weeks ago.  I hadn’t weighed myself in about a year, and knew I had gained weight (my jeans no longer fit…at all) but I thought I had gained like 10 lbs.  I got new batteries for my scale, and found out I’d gained 30 lbs since I’d quit WW about 1.5 years ago.  Yikes.  I never thought I’d be 263 lbs.  (Looking at that number now makes me feel queasy.)   So I started walking on the treadmill and being careful about what i’m eating (read: stop having fast food for lunch multiple times a week) and i lost like 10 lbs in the first few weeks, which was exciting.  But now I’ve been in the 253 zone for a couple of weeks, and I think that means I need to be more diligent about counting calories, and stepping up the exercise program.

In preparation for my more structured form of weight loss, I just looked up my ideal weight for my height (5’8)…and it’s 164 (at the top of the spectrum).  That’s 99 lbs from where I started.  Shit, that’s a lot.  But I can do it.  It’s helping to think of it as a year of weeks with 2 lb losses.  I can do it.  Especially since I’m going to do a reward system as I drop percentages.

5% loss – Jonathan Adler candle (http://www.jonathanadler.com/product.php?cat=423&productid=17364&initial=)

Jonathan Adler Muse Blanc Candle

Thinspiration

I love the word “thinspiration”.  I know it has unhealthy connotations, being connected to the “ana” movement, but I’m going to hijack it and use it for my own purposes…because sometimes (when you’ve just had candy for breakfast!), you need a reminder that “nothing tastes as good as thin feels”.  But not only that, I like to use “thinspiration” as any quote that reminds me why I want to lose weight, live a better life, etc.  Yahoo! 

Without further ado:

“Your failures. Your successes. Regardless which has prevailed to this point, they provide the context for your past. That’s it. . . Today is your lab. Your studio. Your canvas. Create what you will, but do it with purpose and intention. Let not your… past trick you into believing that today is like any other day.”  (howtomatter.com)

oops/crap!

I just had 2 mini reese cups and a bite sized mr. goodbar for breakfast.  Why?  a) I forgot the bowl I’d brought to work for my oatmeal in the car and was too lazy to go get it, and b) I opened the cabinet where the candy is, smelled the chocolate, and unthinkingly ate them.  Yes, they were tasty.  But now I have a regretful stomach, and am not relishing the sweet taste in my mouth this early in the morning.  Mistake!  Must be more thoughtful about what I put in my mouth. 

I shall redeem myself at lunch by eating my red lentil soup (150ish calories/serving) and some lettuce wraps with turkey and hummus and some cheddar.  And (reduced fat) kettle chips.  But I’m not ready (will I ever be?) to give up chips with my sandwich.  Nor cheese.  I’m starting by foregoing the bread and mayo.

Thank you for being my confessor

note: I wrote this post this morning c. 10 am, pre blog swap!

Subconsciously…

I decided not to emotionally eat.  There I was, crying, feeling lousy…and not craving the comfort of stuffing food in my mouth, which is a usual desire around here.  Even as I write this, thinking about the brownies I have left over from my dinner party earlier this evening, I don’t want them.  Somewhere after the subconscious decision surfaced and I realized what I was doing, I made myself feel the sadness, acknowledge it, and see if I could sort of feel my way through it, if you will.  (There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, right?) Instead of making me feel cavernous, tonight’s sadness has become a lump in my stomach, and the thought of food is not in the least appealing.  My theory is that since I am feeling my sadness, trying to work through it, instead of trying to deaden it, or distract myself with food my system does not want or need, my grateful body has “gifted” me with a momentary disdain of food.  If only I could bottle this!

I like to hope that this is some sort of mental change I’m going through, that my body has realized the insanity of equating emotion with food (I need love!  Food is just as good, right?!), but this could also be a fluke.  But ever the optimist, I’m going to remember this moment, remind my body that it’s been confused about the role of food, and try to recreate this rationality.  Wish me luck!

I’m going to walk on the treadmill instead.  And start this blog, in the hopes that this is some mental turning point, and that I should start a record of my process of losing this damned weight!

weight as of 5/17 – 253.2 lbs

note: I wrote this last night, started a blog, then decided I liked this name better.  Please forgive the inauthenticity!